Why is money such a taboo topic in relationships?

If they can see you naked, you can tell them your salary.

It was almost six months ago. My boyfriend and I were hunkered down on our sofa, whinging about how flat the cushions had gotten. Noting how it was dark already, because September creeps up on you like that.

We were poring over a spreadsheet of his income and outgoings. Something that, at 24, he’d never done before and wanted a hand with. We, having been together for just-gone four years and living together for 12 months, had never done this together, either.

Because it’s poor taste to talk money, right?

Before I dive any deeper, let me give credit to the ever-incredible

Alanna Duffield

who inspired this post with her piece Why do so many couples split the rent equally when they don’t earn the same?

Give it a read here:

Why do so many couples split rent equally when they don’t earn the same?

So there we were, analysing how much Aidan could save each month and how he should be saving that money.

We’re not that couple. We don’t keep secrets from each other, but equally we don’t have it all out on a plate. We know what each other earns (we have a joint account, ffs) but it hit me, while labelling rows things like emergency funds and gifts, that we’d never once actually discussed our financial states further than “I’m a bit skint this month” or “can you whack some money in the joint account?”

Is Aidan a secret gambling addict?

Do I have an online shopping problem?

No on both counts, but in hindsight maybe we should have had a serious conversation about our spending and saving habits before putting our names on a rental agreement.

I’m fortunate to have a dad who lives on Excel. While his financial planning spreadsheets were painstakingly dull when I was 15 and cleaning cutlery at the local carvery every Sunday, I’m humbled to say they have come in extremely handy in the years since.

But not everyone is as lucky as I am, and I know many of my age-mates don’t have those conversations with their partners. Why?

Is it…

• Just not on their radar to do so, because it’s never been promoted to them growing up?

• Because they don’t want to? Or they don’t see it as important?

• Shame?

• A mixture of the above?

I think the real reason is: it has never been promoted to openly discuss your finances so it doesn’t feel right.

Rightly or wrongly growing up, my parents never spoke to me about their financial positions and I never saw them talking to their friends or partners about money (beyond the usual moan about the economy). So, as my friends and I all got our first jobs we never really talked money either.

It’s not all down to our parents either. The education system in the UK is broken for all sorts of reasons, but one of its main flaws is the lack of financial education. I had lessons on all sorts of information that has evaded my memory, but not once was I taught how to budget or how the economy was faring in that particular year.

Why, when it’s never been instilled to openly discuss money, would it then feel natural to do so with peers or a romantic partner?

Maybe you shouldn’t know every single person’s salary or what they spend down to the penny, and there is certainly a line to draw - we all know that person born into privilege who lets you know it - but surely only good can come from open, honest conversations about money with people you trust?

Especially in your 20s, when life’s hard enough to navigate before adding the first experiences of real-life Big Bad Budgeting. We should be having those open conversations to make it seem less daunting, particularly with our romantic partners who we could be financially tying ourselves to.

Each relationship is a different case. For example, Aidan and I met back in 2019 and were good friends for well over a year before we got together. When we eventually did, we were each figuring things out financially; we were both still living with parents, he was working full-time in a bar, hoping to soon get a salaried job, and I was about halfway through an apprenticeship and working a second job (at said bar) to earn extra cash. There wasn’t really a need to talk money, because we were 20 and muddling through, but because we never did it’s not really become a part of our relationship. Now, we only have Big Money Talks when we need to.

If I were to be dating now, I don’t know how comfortable I’d be to have these conversations, or when I would even have them.

But it’s better for your relationship, apparently, according to this piece from Washington Post. Here’s a snippet:

“Seventy-eight percent of couples who talk weekly about money say they are happy as opposed to 60 percent of couples who talk every few months and 50 percent who talk even less frequently.

But, it seems millennials are happier in their relationships and talk about money more often than older couples.”

Easier said than done, I say. I totally get how important these conversations are, and I can understand that a relationship would be all the better for them, but it’s a bit like walking into a posh antiques centre, isn’t it? You’re not doing wrong by being there, but everything feels a bit off. Like you’re about to break something or get told off at any second.

I wish I had some wisdom to close off this post but, to be honest, I’m still figuring it out myself. Trying is the most important thing though. We’ll only see change if we work towards it, an’ all. Having those slightly uncomfortable conversations about money now may leave you feeling grateful for them in the long run.