The fear of regret

I can't regret something that hasn't even happened yet.

I dream of returning to New York, travelling Japan, writing a book, and spending a time living in a completely new place.

I also dream of buying a house, eventually getting married, and maybe having children.

And most importantly, I’d love to get a dog.

At the same time, I love my current life. I love our home and the fact it’s just the two of us and that I live near my parents and most of my friends.

If I make one decision I could be saying goodbye to some of my hopes and dreams. If I make another I could be putting something off for so long that it’s too late. If I make another, I could lose everything I know.

I’m terrified of regretting any of those actions.

But the thing I fear most is not doing anything. Looking back and wishing I’d acted rather than clinging to my stability.

I highly doubt I would regret any form of travel or creative pursuits. I hope I’d never regret buying a house or getting married, but both of those things are reversible (if expensive). In a horrific world I might regret having children or getting a dog, although I can’t really see that happening, so I know they need more consideration than a flight to NYC.

I’d rather take action and regret it than do nothing and live with "what ifs." So why am I so terrified of making a decision?

I’m only in my 20s. Why does it feel like time is running out?

Not a day goes by where I don’t think about my future and how I have no time to do the things I want to do. I sometimes worry my life is just passing me by and nothing is actually happening.

There are so many places I want to go, so many things I want to try, so many people I want to meet, and sometimes it seems like none of these events will come to fruition.

I have to remind myself that so many people do amazing things later in life. I don’t need to cram everything I want to do into the next five years.

And then I start to worry that I’ll look back and regret wishing this time away.

This is all getting a bit existential, isn’t it?

I’ve been plagued with crippling self awareness for most of my life, but my 20s has tied that with existentialism to create a delicious cocktail of mental turmoil.

It’s the age old dilemma - choosing which path to take. Every decision you make influences the next and so on.

I know I’m not the only person feeling this way. The sheer overwhelm of everything I could do vs everything I should do vs what I actually want to do. The limitless options of the ways my life could lead me. Thinking about it makes me want to bury my head in the sand.

“I am the master of my fate,”

Really, the only person in control of these decisions is me. I can’t be afraid of regret already because I’m the one responsible for making these things happen.

I have plenty of time.

And I’m taking small steps. I’m always saving money to go towards trips/a house deposit, and I spend time writing as often as I can. The rest will come when the time is right, and for now I’ll control what I can. I can worry about mistakes when I actually make them.