But I love who I am
So why am I often ashamed?
Sober. Usually in bed by 9. Hobbies include reading, baking, and cross-stitching.
It’s a good job I’m not single, because my online dating bio probably wouldn’t be that sexy.
But, I’m living more authentically than I ever have, and I think I like myself the most too.
I love that:
I get to rush home every day and pour all of my love into our dinner, then curl up on the sofa under a blanket to read or catch up on TV.
My weekends are spent tending to my plants, making things with my hands, sticking my nose in a book and/or winding down.
Our ‘date nights’ are trips to the cinema, picnics in the park or strolls around a makers’ market.
I don’t drink.
Socialising with friends is done over a home-cooked dinner or a coffee, or on a walk.
I listen to my body when it’s tired or in need of self-care.
Autumn is my favourite time of year for many reasons. One of them is because I can embrace all of these things wholeheartedly. It’s not too hot to function, and there’s no ‘guilt’ surrounding staying in - I can just be unapologetically me in the safe haven of our home. I guess there’s a reason it’s referred to as an introvert’s dream.
I love who I am and what my interests are… That’s not to say I don’t have things I need to work on (we are all WIPs) but, on the whole, I’m not riddled with crippling self-hatred like I was in years gone by. And yet, part of me is still embarrassed and even ashamed of those things I love so much.
Intentionally or not, social media and friends/family push expectations and agendas constantly. One scroll down my LinkedIn shows people my age or younger moving to the capital to ‘make it big’, while Instagram shows couples I went to school with announcing pregnancies and engagements, or friendship groups on boozy nights out or tucking into hungover brunches.*
*There is nothing wrong with any of this, FYI. As long as you’re not pregnant and boozing simultaneously, obvs.
It’s not just online but face-to-face too (this isn’t a social media rant). I have close friends getting married, travelling the world, or making it big. I love all of it for them but, sometimes, when I’m asked what my weekend plans are, a wave of embarrassment washes over me as I respond: “Just another chilled one!”
In reality, that weekend is full of baking, creating, reading and relaxing, and it’s my idea of heaven. But to say that is to open myself up to that person’s response – which is potentially a screwed-up face before going, “oh, right” and realising I am, in fact, boring.
I’m in my 20s, aren’t they the years for doing crazy things?
I did a lot of “the crazy things” in my late teens, but actually the key things I have always craved in my life are stability and security. Even when I was doing those wild nights out, I felt stable and secure in my friendships and the people I was with. Now, as I’ve gotten older, those two things have translated into having a regular routine, doing relaxing, creative hobbies, and protecting my peace.
Other than the odd person poking fun at me (which I can deal with), I’ve never once had someone try and put me down for my hobbies and interests. All of the shame and embarrassment I feel is completely self-inflicted, based on the presumed opinions of others. Yeah, other people are doing other things (see above) and their idea of fun might look drastically different to mine, but no one is forcing me to do what they’re doing, and I doubt anyone is expecting me to do the exact same anyway.
So my brain loves the things I love (obviously) and I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, yet my brain is also ashamed of loving the things I love because of the potential (likely non-existent) thoughts of others? Make it make sense.
My concern for how people perceive me is something I definitely need to work on. In fact, most of us probably do. I was listening to an episode of The Receipts Podcast (my fave) not long ago when one of the hosts said the older she’s got the less she cares about what others think. I’m sure this is the case, but in your 20s it really can feel like the entire world is watching you squirm under a microscope while you try and figure everything out and get it all “right”.
Is working at a stable, long-term job, living with my long-term partner and enjoying peace and quiet the right thing to do?
Or should I be travelling the world? Single? Married with kids? Owning a home? Moving to work in London?
None of those things appeal to me, but I still worry that I *should* be doing them instead of, well… this.
As the saying goes, we all have our own path in life. I guess mine is just a little quieter with a lot more books.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this post, which was pretty gut-wrenching for me to write and has taken literally weeks. I just wanted to share this piece from
at , which was published last week. If you enjoyed this, you will love her work:
SOPH I LOVE THIS. First of all, I don't think you sound boring at all, cosying up with a book, a big cup of tea and a homemade slice of cake is my idea of a great night. I feel like we're kindred spirits, I've never been someone who likes going out drinking, travelling, I've never had the craving to move to London and make it big. I'm very much a homebody who craves stability, and understand 100% how anxiety inducing it can be to see friends/people you grew up with hitting milestones before you've even considered them. A year ago I felt really stressed that my job wasn't good enough in comparison to my friends who all have quite big and impressive careers, but a year on and I feel really happy and comfortable with where I am because it's MY idea of happiness that matters. It's such a unique and precious thing. You'll never feel comfortable squeezing into someone else's shoes! Thank you for being so open in this piece, I loved loved loved it ❤️
I feel this so much!! I used to be a bit of a party girl but slowed down in my mid-twenties because I felt wholly dissatisfied. I am now in my late twenties and I'm the quiet person I was always meant to be. Having experienced both sides I can confirm that listening to your body and not always saying yes to everything (which is a toxic trait I had to combat) is definitely the superior choice!
FOMO creeps up on my at times, but in those moments I try not to focus of what others think of me not being there but instead on how I perceive myself or wish to.